I'm not dead yet.

[zigs]

I had stayed there all day, and now I have awoken to find myself in an extremely bitter mood. The maid had come in and asked for some assistance, I didn't move. She then asked me about the drugs.
"So you take drugs?" She asked. "I feel so sorry for you
"Back off you spasticated lemming!" I shouted. "I don't need you sympathy nor you pity."
"Well I'm sorry, but it isn't my fault. I mean I don't need drugs to escape!" She walked away in anger. I didn't think anything of it. Instead I carried on thinking about what had happened.
"You know, you shouldn't have said that." Said the body guard at the other end of the room.
"Who died and made you a saint?" I asked rudely.
"Your soul." Was the answer. Those words got to me. And I have been thinking about it... Maybe my soul has died... But if it has, I can revive it... Right?

[Deleted]

the soul cannot die so there is no need to revive it. It is everlasting and will not die. The only thing i cna get that might have happened is that your soul has been torn and needs fixing. whihc is possible.

[Haunter 360]

I'm not so sure.
The soul, refers to a variety of things.

Truth be told, your soul is what makes you unique - Gives you personality, etc.
If you lose that, you feel... Empty.

Cold.
Hard.
Unfeeling.


Maybe... You need to spend some time thinking.
Finding yourself.
Everyone must find themselves eventually.

[Deleted]

hmm i guess your right ahunter. heh i wonder if i foudn myself.
i foudn asong that i think symbolises this quite well.

Well I've been wondering bout who I am
And just how far I'd drive to see the end
I started from, when I believe I've won

And as the sweat rolls down my face
I put my heart into this place of mine
Go back in time, to see what I'm living in...

My will (my will), my way (my way)
My fear (my fear) fades away
With wings (with wings) I fly high
Watch me fly...

It's just my wild heart moving in
It's just my will to live the win you know
I need it so
Life's when the race begins

And all the years I've wondered why
I've stared at speed with open eyes you see
It lives in me
Now that's what sets me free

My will (my will), my way (my way)
My fear (my fear) fades away
With wings (with wings) I fly high
Watch me fly...

I keep this fire, burning inside me
The thrill of desire
Coming over, over me...

[zigs]

It's been a while... Since I thought about anything specific... Since my last note, I have been kicked out of my grandfather's home and sent back to my father. Where he publically beat me for my stupid action against the family honor...

I do not hate him, nor do I judge his actions... It was within his right to do this... And now I sit in my old living room, with a guest sitting on the floor next to my brother, Jett.... Her name is Vivi... She has been a family friend for some time, though I have only just met her. She happens to carry alot of compassion, which makes her perfect for the job: Looking after my brother's mental health.

She sleeps in my old bedroom, and I have been sleeping in Greg's old room, everything has felt out of place, and I have been under what seems like house arrest. But it isn't a punishment, I mean I have Vivi to talk to...

[zigs]

Okay, I have become close friends with Vivi over the passed two weeks, and things have been quite blissful.

But the sweet solitude was breached, by the most annoying fiend... Gem. Greg's first girlfriend... She's back, and she means business... Since Greg has been away... She suddenly changed...

And apparently to get my attention...

I didn't know she was taking medication for hormones...

But on Sunday it went too far... She had been drinking... And took too many pills... I was upstairs in a room full of cameras, as Greg was down stairs watching me replace a password on one of the computers... When suddenly his girlfriend burst in the door. Being rude to her I said:
"What do you want?"
"I want you." She replied completely wasted...

The next thing I knew I was on the floor... Comepletely in no control.. And Greg ran in and pulled her off of me... The police came, and had her done for sexual harassment... It was horrible... I feel like I broke them up again...

And to make things worse, Vivi has been... Ignoring me...

[Deleted]

erm i don't knwo really what to sya, but at least you knwo she won't tyr to cheat on your brother again. Don't blame yourslef for her mistakes and lies.

[Haunter 360]

This is awful...



Oh gee.

... Have you any way to escape?
Y'know, shut yourself up in your room, listen to music, write stories... Something to escape from reality? (Without involving drugs or alcohol or anything damaging)
I mean, it's supposed to be bad to try to escape from reality...

But heck! Sometimes, it's better to take your mind away from the chaos of this world. Sometimes, the real world is dangerous, in multiple ways.


Heck, I can't give much advice.
But dooming yourself to reality is the worst thing possible.
Whether our existence is temporary or not, we may as well enjoy ourselves. We may as well dream...
Because, in dreaming, we put ourselves beyond the prison that this world is. We free ourselves, we can travel anywhere, be anyone...

Any person can do that.
They may need a little assistance, but anyone can do it.
Just... Take yourself away. Away from reality.
Away... Into a beautiful freedom this world doesn't let us access.

[zigs]

Even though she has been ignoring me since the inccident. But I have carefully taken the time to think more deeply about Vivi... I couldn't help wonder why she was ignoring me. She isn't the sort of person to do that.

She probably thinks I am weird, due to the fact I keep trying to talk to her, when she makes it obvious she doesn't like me anymore. I have been talking to Jett, to get him to talk to her, but he finally said 'no'. Because she was getting upset by my constant questions.

When this morning I woke up I realised I am actually obsessed with her, but it is generally under control. But to be on the safe side, I decided to tell my dad. He said it's normal, then gave me a lesson on 'sex'. Great... Not... I decided not to tell him anything again... Just to avoid that...

I plucked up my courage to talk to Greg, and he is prefectly fine, in fact he apologised, before I did. He said sorry for not listening, and he was generally crazy about his ex. But now... He hates her, for damaging our family. I know, Hate is a strong word, but you probably haven't met my family, we're strong believers of the blood line laws. A law passed down by my family, and an immense belief to protect your family, anyone who damages it is a threat. It's quite weird... I know...

But it's good to know my brother isn't ashamed of me, not being able to defend myself....

[Haunter 360]

A sense of duty to protect your family isn't a strange thing.
It's natural.



You have a crush on Vivi? Interesting...

But remember, don't try to force her to answer you, or do what you want her to do.
Not that I think that you're that type of guy - Just stating.
Girls should be respected...
Well, probably not the ones like whats-her-name who... Well.
Anyhow, remember.
If Vivi doesn't want to talk to you... I guess that's her choice.
Can't force her to do that.
Trust me - It will only make things worse.
And try move your thoughts someplace else.
Distract yourself.
Afterall, dreaming of one who doesn't love you... Well.
Can OCCASIONALLY lead to an unhealthy state of mind.


... To put it in a sharp, cruel manner, constantly pursuing one who doesn't return your love is stalking.


But, you're probably not that type.

I hope things get better hereon...

[zigs]

She finally spoke to me, when I decided to ignore her... But she did that stress thing, that most girls tend to do. Which is hunt me down... And give me a good old talking to.
"Why are you ignoring me?" She blurted when she finally got me alone.
"Why are you ignoring me?" I changed her question back at her, but then she pushed that aside.
"Don't change this to all about you. I have feelings you know." She yelled.
"So do I!" I shouted. Then I paused, and she looked horrified, as though I had just worked out how to destroy all of mankind with my toothbrush...
"What?" She asked shakily, but trying to remain in control.
"Are you menstrating?" I asked, she looked rather annoyed at this moment in time, but I actually didn't care. "Look, you are human." I blurted out sarcastically as several people walked passed. She stormed off, and I felt evil, but not in a bad way. But in the mood to just muck around foolishly.

I have been in those sort of moods before, but not as bad as this. I wandered around and put salt in people's beds, then put sugar in some shampoo. I felt as though I was 8 again. I even put pepper in coffee, and the reason for salt sugar and pepper, was because they were just there on the tables... Maybe I should calm down...

[Deleted]

Sigh i tried tlaking to vivi. She's worried about you and generally si nervous around you.

[Haunter 360]

Maybe things are bad Zigs, but remember -
You are who you want to be.

Circumstances affect your mood, but they don't influence who you are. Only you do that.


Really, you choose who you're going to be.
Only you can control yourself.


... And please, don't choose to make all this suffering pointless.
Use it to learn.
Use it.

[Deleted]

I agree with haunter.

[zigs]

I am so happy that everyone took the jokes. Though I thought it was gonna get serious when someone came up with a rash... But thankfully it wasn't the salt, and no one's hair is diabetic, and apparently the pepper went well with coffee..

I have spent the day in my room, walking to Jett. But there was one thing that I have noticed about him, that has become unusual. His movement. For some odd reason his movement has changed. This has happened before, and it's where his is hiding something. That's probably one thing his mind can't do, keep secrets away from me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, as he shuffled a little yet again.
"Nothing." He replied bluntly, then began to fidget.
"Yeah..." I had ended the coversation, and Jett left, as Vivi entered.
"What was with you yesturday?" She hissed slyly.
"I was in a bad mood." I replied sarcastically.
"No! You had a whale of a time, mucking around with MY bed, and MY shampoo and MY coffee!" She shouted.
"Hey, I didn't know who's beds are who's, I distinctly remember salting Greg's bed too, and my dad's... Wait, you drink coffee?"
"That's not the point! Grow up Ziggy!" She shouted.
"Grow up? I think acting immature is less dangerous than being paranoid!" I yelled back.
"What do you mean? Someone could have gone in diabetic shock! Or have had a serious rash! Or have had an allergic reaction with pepper!" She snapped.
"Well, in all my years as a doctor, I have never seen such a diabetic strand of hair." I mocked. She glared at me. "Yes, so you climbed in your bed.. Even though it was supposed to be replaced? I see..." I continued ignoring her powerful staring eyes. "Oh so, you know your allergic to pepper, yet you still drank it, when you saw it floating around on the top of your coffee... How intellegent..."
"Alright I get it! But you should be more careful!" She called out to me as she began to leave.
"And you should really hide your clothes better..." I replied cheekily, she charged at me in anger, but I dodged her and ran off down the hall.