Thanks, I just feel like this is it you know? Is this gonna be it? I'm never gonna find a purpose and you know what upset me the most is how angry it made me to see Haunter happy and I just knew there was something wrong with me. I felt betrayed, like I'd been going through hell and he was playing cosplay with a bunch of new people and that's just crazy right? I mean I can't expect Haunter to be miserable because I am.
Maybe I just wanted to vent, I just needed to. I'm just gonna come right out and say it not because I want you to hear it or because I care what any asshole has to say but because I wanna say. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I feel weak and stupid and useless. I'm not creative. I'm not clever. I'm certainly not nice. I'm not funny but I think I am. The worst part is I don't think I'm bad, just dull. Uninteresting, bland. My problem is I hate myself and it feels so good to say that out loud even on the internet. I hear people in other places of the internet joke about "Forum Drama" but you know what? Fuck em' this is like therapy for me, therapy I get for free.
I think when you yourself are unhappy, then seeing others being happy at all makes you angry with them. At your lowest, seeing others happy kinda disgusts you, and I think everyone has felt this way themselves at some point.
What I'm trying to say is that it's pretty normal when you're depressed.
But I'm glad you still see it and know that of course it wouldn't be right for Haunter to be unhappy just because you are. And I know he has had to battle his own demons, and probably still is at times, and you should remember that it will come and go for you too as well.
And now a message from Fight Club.
Both depressing and uplifting... Somehow.
Maybe you did just need to vent. Maybe you just needed to hear yourself say what you've been unable to say, carrying it around inside you. I believe 'letting it out' is a good thing under the right circumstances, and I think you did so in the healthiest way you could.
No harm in sharing.
I just got off the phone talking to my old buddy Punkmack - I just call him Mack, that was his username on WoW when we met - for over an hour, talking about his own struggles with depression and how he's alone in a four bedroom house with no one to talk to after his girlfriend, whom he thought would become his wife, cheated on him and left him abandoned. He works two jobs, over 50+hrs a week, and he says he just comes home to an empty house to eat, sleep, get up and do it all over again.
No company. No friends to visit.
And today just happened to be a day all to myself where I encouraged him to call me so he'd have just another voice to hear...
You're most certainly not alone when it comes to feeling depressed.
Oddly enough, everyone I'm able to reach out to are ALL stricken with sadness.
I have my own burdens as well, but mine sometimes feel minor when considering the feelings of my nearby and faraway friends.
You sound like my sis when you say you hate yourself.
Shelley has bi-polar with severe anxiety, and she often describes to me that it feels like she wants to crawl out of her own skin when she's suddenly angry or anxious for seemingly no reason at all, that it takes EVERYTHING out of her to control herself, even shutting herself away to prevent causing damage to others with ill words or behavior in these episodes.
She's also a Cancer. Her Sun sign is Cancer, added on with an Aries Moon sign.
Water and Fire...
She's like a churning storm!
I can't say I feel that way in particular.
But you remind me of her through your words.
You can't even stand yourself sometimes. Hard to have harmony in a body constantly at war.
