A Hauntémon RPG?
That'd kick ass.
Even moreso than all the thousands of fanfics people have totally written about it.
And yeah, sorry, my Gametoy Advance went into meltdown and spawned a giant mutant lizard (One of the few drawbacks of this particular handheld), so naturally, I couldn't play until the radiation levels had died down.
Now then, let's carry on!
That's right! I remember now! His name is THE GERKIN KING!
... Okay, blatantly you just made that name up on the spot, but I don't think he even HAD a name, what with his parents having totally disowned him.
So yeah, his name is THE GERKIN KING from now on.
MASH!
Your very own HAUNTéMON legend is about to unfold!
A world of dreams and adventures with HAUNTéMON awaits!
I mean, you'll probably get eaten alive by a pack of HELLSPROUTs, or get torn limb-from-limb by an angered FEMIQUEEN, get your entrails eaten by a FREAKACHU... But hey, whatever.
Lets go!The story begins in Mallet Town, which... Isn't really a town at all.
Heck, it's not even a village, there's three buildings here.
One of them not even being a house, but PROF. TREE's lab.
And it's completely isolated - If a random serial killer ran in and slaughtered everyone, nobody would ever know.
Plus, there's like, I don't know, ten people or something living here?
Does everyone without a house just sleep in the trees or something?
... Let's see what our protagonist is doing!
MASH is playing the SNOT!
... Okay! It's time to go!Wiping the mucus from his hands, MASH turns off the now-outdated console cameo, and walks down the stairs!
... Exciting.
Entering the lower floor of his house (I would call it the living room, but obviously rooms don't exist in the HAUNTéMON world), he notices that
There's a movie on TV. Four boys are walking on railroad tracks. They are promptly splattered by a train. MOM is laughing hysterically. I'd better go.Before our brave adventurer (Who, so far, hasn't done anything) can leave however, his MOM addresses him.
MOM:
Right. All boys leave home some day. It said so on TV. Which as we both know, is what everyone bases their education off of in this world, what with the lack of schools and all. PROF. TREE, next door, is looking for you.Annoyed that his MOM doesn't seem to care that he's leaving (And in truth, she really doesn't care), MASH throws a temper tantrum and storms out of his house.
Outside, he randomly talks to some unnamed female NPC.
Female NPC:
I'm raising HAUNTéMON too! When they get strong, they can protect me! ... From tentacle monsters.Choosing to ignore the unhelpful tip of this random woman, he goes to the TREE HAUNTéMON RESEARCH LAB.
Ignoring the fact that TREE had AIDES, he walked to where the PROFESSOR usually stood, trying to ignore the digusting pale, ginger-haired abomination in the same room.
THE GERKIN KING:
Yo MASH! Gramps isn't around!Kicking his arch-nemesis in the crotch and letting him double over in pain, our protagonist then decided that he was going to rather stupidly wander into the Hauntémon-infested bushes that prevented anyone from ever leaving the town. EVER. As soon as he stepped into the bushes however, some random creepy guy called after him.
TREE:
Hey! Wait! Don't go out, you stupid son of a-At this point, PROF. TREE walks in out of nowhere, obviously being a master of teleportation.
TREE:
It's unsafe! Wild HAUNTéMON and TRAMPS live in tall grass! You need your own HAUNTéMON for your protection. I know! Here, come with me!Going against every single one of his survival instincts, MASH followed the freaky tree man back to his LAB, eventually stopping beside THE (Now recovered) GERKIN KING.
THE GERKIN KING:
Gramps! I'm fed up with waiting!TREE:
THE GERKIN KING? Let me think... Oh, that's right, you're my... For lack of a more accurate term, grandson. And I told you to come here. Just wait, you impatient little abomination!THE GERKIN KING:
But I've been here for five weeks...TREE:
Shut up.The scientist turned to MASH.
TREE:
Here, MASH!He then turned to the table.
TREE:
There are 3 HAUNTéMON here! Hahahaha!Obviously we don't need to point out that had a few difficulties when it came to translating this game for you capitalist dogs. I mean, you loyal fans who speak English.
TREE:
They are inside my HAUNTé BALLS. When I was young, I was a serious HAUNTéMON trainer! In my old age, I only have 3 left, since I ate all the others, but you can have one! Choose!THE GERKIN KING:
Um, Gramps? What about me?PROF. TREE promptly kicked THE GERKIN KING in the crotch, causing him to double over in pain.
TREE:
Shut up THE GERKIN KING! You can have one too, if it means you'll go away and kill yourself trying to become a HAUNTéMON TRAINER!THE GERKIN KING:
... Yes sir...TREE:
Now, MASH, which HAUNTéMON do you want?Approaching the table, MASH looked over each of the HAUNTéMON in turn, carefully taking note of how lame they were.
# No. 004Name: Wallslander
Type: Thug
Element: Urban
Description: This son of a Hauntémon looks pretty cute and innocent, doesn’t he? You’d be surprised though at the words he’s learnt from watching South Park. Armed with a can of spray-paint, Wallslander decorates the walls of its neighbourhood with vile and offensive remarks, and eggs houses. It also bullies other Hauntémon its age, but whilst it uses intimidation, it’s physically too weak and mentally too thick to really be considered threatening. Later in life, they start to become intrigued with burning things. This one’s even set his tail on fire, which is unimaginably painful. Stupid lizard.
# No. 007Name: Squirpedo
Type: Missile
Element: Military
Description: Born with a high amount of Nitro Glycerine stored in its body, Hauntémon and trainers alike know to be wary of Squirpedo. Those who don’t usually learn the hard way, but by then, it’s too late. Fortunately, the fact that they dwell in water for seventy percent of their time keeps them usually nice and unshaken, and due to the bizarre ways they are born, they tend to have collective nurseries of up to five hundred. Unfortunately, on the rare occasion that one DOES explode, the resulting chain reaction will usually wipe out half the world’s population of this Hauntémon. Strangely, its name makes it unpopular with trainers who have children.
# No. 001Name: Baldysaur
Type: Pale sunbather
Element: Pathetic
Description: Born with a weird orange bulb on his back, people only choose this starter Hauntémon, as that bulb looks like it could turn into something worth training for... Even if it is ginger. Naked, sweaty, pale and gross, Baldysaur is, needless to say, an unpopular Hauntémon. Fortunately, due to their pale skin, they die en masse during Summer and Spring of skin cancer. Stupidly, they enjoy sunbathing.
Because CS already chose, MASH decides to choose the urban HAUNTéMON, WALLSLANDER.
This HAUNTéMON is really energetic!
And... Lame.MASH recieved a WALLSLANDER!Do you want to give a nickname to WALLSLANDER?
