PAPER HELP!

[FlameMaster5]

Hey everyone, I need your help. I need you several of you to read my college paper and tell me what I need to keep, change or add. Think you could do that for me? Quite honestly, I'm not sure what I need to fix. SO...help me out. :] TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

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EEVEE

One of the most important things in my life is my Maltese, Eevee. We got Eevee when she was just a puppy. I was 11 years old at the time and I was going through a very harsh period in my life. I've been homeschooled for 6 years and have had no friends, so maybe you can understand now why my pet is such a joy. Eevee is important to me just because she's another living soul in the house when my parents are away. She helps keep me company.

Eevee is her given name, but we hardly use it. When she was a puppy, she used to bite ankles and heels. One day, Eevee bit my mom's ankles because she wanted to play. As we all know, puppy teeth are very sharp. My mom cried out, "Ow! Ow! Stop that, you little boogar!" It wasn't long before Eevee received the nickname "Boogar". Even now we still call her that.

Eevee is now 6 years old, weighs 9 lbs and is about a foot tall. As a Maltese, she is mainly white with light creme on her ears and back. She has long hair, not fur, and it's quite smooth. She also doesn't shed, unlike other breeds of dogs. Eevee has a pure black nose and occasionally has tear stains under her eyes. Her tail is curled with long hair on it like the rest of her body. Her paws and nails are not visible, so her feet only appear as white fuzz.

After a bath, Eevee smells fresh and clean. Her hair is much like a human's, so it holds that fresh smell for quite some time. However, all hair loses its delightful aroma at some point, so she will eventually smell like a dog again. Thankfully she is an inside dog, so she doesn't need to be bathed often. Yet, she does need to be brushed and trimmed more often because her hair gets knots if neglected.

Eevee is pretty much a clean dog, so I have kissed her on the head several times. If you want to know what she tastes like, the answer is anything her hair has absorbed. Sometimes she will taste like fruit since we bathe her with shampoo and conditioner. Other times she will taste like grass from being outside. Eevee can even taste like natural body oils since her hair will absorb it.

For a little dog, she has a high-pitch bark. She will bark at anything that is unfamiliar to her, which makes her a brilliant watch dog. Also, when she is happiest, she will crow. This sound is composed of a growl and a howl together, which sounds rather funny. Eevee usually makes this sound when she is happy to see us or other company.

Eevee has had three puppies during her lifetime, one male and two females. She had her puppies here in our house and my mom, sister and myself experienced this event. Her first born was the male puppy. Sadly, he never made it. Her second born was my puppy, Pixie. Her last puppy belongs to my sister and she was named Dottie due to a large creme spot on her back. Eevee was an excellent parent and remained with her young at all times. Now that her puppies are old enough to depend on humans alone, Eevee now has Pixie as a playmate. Dottie belongs to my sister, Shelley. Shelley moved out of our household, so Dottie went with her. Eevee can be a little rough when she plays with Pixie, but it's all in fun. Still, Eevee will sometimes lick Pixie's tear-stained face, which truly shows you that she still takes care of her pup.

Eevee's personality is various. To be honest, she is like a human with the way she acts. Eevee has her good days and bad days. Usually she is affectionate, calm and very playful. Like us all, however, she can be sluggish and can express the phrase "Leave me alone..." Eevee can be aggressive if you bother her too much or attempt to remove her from her chosen resting spot. She isn't known for biting, but she will strike if she feels threatened or has become angry. She can be crabby for no reason at all sometimes.

I remember one night that my mom was trying to help me fix a computer virus problem and my dogs, Eevee and her puppy Pixie, were under the computer desk. For some odd reason, the dogs were licking the desk. The sound of tongues lapping against wood became rather irritating in just a short amount of time. I was told by my mother to remove the dogs from the bedroom to end the noise.

I leaned down to view my dogs under the desk. Since I was going to merely pick them up and set them outside my room, I didn't consider all the possibilities of what could happen. I first reached for Pixie. My little puppy, naturally skiddish, tucked her tail underneath herself and shivered. I gently picked her up and cuddled for a moment, trying to calm her down. Soon enough, I carried her over to the door and set her outside my bedroom. When I let go of her, she wiggled happily and then scurried off to go play.

I then walked over to the desk, leaned down and got ready to pick up Eevee. I extended my arm and reached for her. When my hand wrapped around her blue-chain collar, Eevee snarled at me. Her snout wrinkled, upper lip lifting to expose her sharp teeth. Her dark brown eyes expressed anger as she growled viciously. I immediately pulled my hand away, frightened by the look she gave me.

Soon enough, Eevee ended her snarl and went back to licking the desk. It was as if nothing ever happened. Still, I had to remove her from the bedroom so my mom could concentrate on the computer problem. I tried again. I reached out to Eevee and wrapped my hand around her collar again. She stopped licking the desk and turned to me with a somewhat agitated expression. I gently tugged on her collar, attempting to make her come to me. Rather quickly, her snarl returned as well as her angered growl. This time, however, Eevee whipped her head to the side and pierced her teeth into my thumb.

Thankfully, Eevee let go and I was able to jerk my away. I immediately covered my injured hand with the other, trying to soothe the throbbing pain I felt. My mom, having seen the entire incident, then scolded Eevee for biting me. She shouted, "Boogar, bad dog! Get in your kennel!", in a very harsh tone. Eevee, being my mother's dog primarily, obeyed instantly and raced out of the room.

I, on the other hand, uncovered my hand as I began to shed tears. I observed my bleeding thumb. Eevee had punctured my thumb on the edge of the cuticle, which explained why this hurt so badly. My mom then told me to go clean my wound and to bandage it so it would not get infected. I dried my tears, got up and then tended to my injury.

Still, Eevee is a very loving pet and enjoys being loved back. As I said, she's a like a human with the way she acts. Respect her and she will respect you. Despite even the worst of moments, I still love her.

Overall, my dog is very special and no other dog is exactly like her. I have had other dogs in the past and many other animals as well, but Eevee is definitely my favorite pet. I love "Boogar" and no other pet can take her place.

[Haunter 360]

That's pretty good FM5!
I don't see any particular flaws, and trust me - When I'm saying that, it's pretty good.

I tend to be a little picky when checking work...

[Deleted]

looks pretty good to me.

[FlameMaster5]

Well, ok, that's good. ^_^ That means I don't have to change or edit anything. However, I may need to add something.

One of my classmates told me that I should specify how Eevee is like a human. I did with her personality, but I suppose she meant..."play out some scenes". What do you all think? I'm still not sure what to add... :[

[Haunter 360]

I guess some scenes wouldn't hurt.

Hmm... Just specify how she can seem to comprehend what you are saying at certain times, how she gets grumpy when you wake her in the mornings, etc...


Y'know, describe her personality like you would a human's!

[Deleted]

yeah then it will be a* rather then a

[FlameMaster5]

Lol. ^_^ Ok then, that's great! Now that I have some more suggestions, I can write on it today. Thanks guys! :] *hugs*


( I really hate school though. I like my classes, I just hate the homework. I don't get to see you guys enough anymore... :[ )

[Haunter 360]

Aye, homework.
Scourge of the sev'n seas...
*Puts of double eye-patch*
Oh wait, can't see!
*Is knocked over by a rolling sealion*

[Deleted]

as my computer desk is my homework desk. heh then again your homework proablly a lot harder then mine and takes more concentration. It's a shame we cannot see you all the tiem, but i'm sure you cna handle it and we can too.

[Haunter 360]

It's tough not seeing you all the time.
Heh... I personally wouldn't tire of it, but eh.
Homework must be done.
(Stupid stuff)

[Deleted]

yeah if we didn't have homework school would have to be longer. which owudl be ok in some ways and bad in others. anyway i would never tire of tlaking to fm5 every day.

[FlameMaster5]

Awwww....
Thank you, Haunter, Blaze. You both are terrific, beyond comprehension. Thanks. ^_^ I was having a bad day, but you two can always cheer me up.

Ok, here we go. I'm gonna type on this here since being on PC actually helps my writing ability. SO....I'm gonna add some detail where neccessary. Here we go! XD

NOTE: the red paragraph contains my additions.

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EEVEE

One of the most important things in my life is my Maltese, Eevee. We got Eevee when she was just a puppy. I was 11 years old at the time and I was going through a very harsh period in my life. I've been homeschooled for 6 years and have had no friends, so maybe you can understand now why my pet is such a joy. Eevee is important to me just because she's another living soul in the house when my parents are away. She helps keep me company.

Eevee is her given name, but we hardly use it. When she was a puppy, she used to bite ankles and heels. One day, Eevee bit my mom's ankles because she wanted to play. As we all know, puppy teeth are very sharp. My mom cried out, "Ow! Ow! Stop that, you little boogar!" It wasn't long before Eevee received the nickname "Boogar". Even now we still call her that. Plus, Eevee is still as frisky as she was when she was a puppy. There hasn't been much change!

Eevee is now 6 years old, weighs 9 lbs and is about a foot tall. As a Maltese, she is mainly white with light creme on her ears and back. She has long hair, not fur, and it's quite smooth. She also doesn't shed, unlike other breeds of dogs. Eevee has a pure black nose and occasionally has tear stains under her eyes. Her tail is curled with long hair on it like the rest of her body. Her paws and nails are not visible, so her feet only appear as white fuzz.

After a bath, Eevee smells fresh and clean. Her hair is much like a human's, so it holds that fresh smell for quite some time. However, all hair loses its delightful aroma at some point, so she will eventually smell like a dog again. Thankfully she is an inside dog, so she doesn't need to be bathed often. Yet, she does need to be brushed and trimmed more often because her hair gets knots if neglected.

Eevee is pretty much a clean dog, so I have kissed her on the head several times. If you want to know what she tastes like, the answer is anything her hair has absorbed. Sometimes she will taste like fruit since we bathe her with shampoo and conditioner. Other times she will taste like grass from being outside. Eevee can even taste like natural body oils since her hair will absorb it.

For a little dog, she has a high-pitch bark. She will bark at anything that is unfamiliar to her, which makes her a brilliant watch dog. Also, when she is happiest, she will crow. This sound is composed of a growl and a howl together, which sounds rather funny. Eevee usually makes this sound when she is happy to see us or other company.

Eevee has had three puppies during her lifetime, one male and two females. She had her puppies here in our house and my mom, sister and myself experienced this event. Her first born was the male puppy. Sadly, he never made it. Her second born was my puppy, Pixie. Her last puppy belongs to my sister and she was named Dottie due to a large creme spot on her back. Eevee was an excellent parent and remained with her young at all times. Now that her puppies are old enough to depend on humans alone, Eevee now has Pixie as a playmate. Dottie belongs to my sister, Shelley. Shelley moved out of our household, so Dottie went with her. Eevee can be a little rough when she plays with Pixie, but it's all in fun. Still, Eevee will sometimes lick Pixie's tear-stained face, which truly shows you that she still takes care of her pup.

Eevee's personality is various. To be honest, she is like a human in some ways. Eevee has her good days and bad days. Usually she is affectionate, calm and very playful. She likes to snuggle up on the living room couch with me or my mom. Also, she loves to play rough and chase poor Pixie around the living room, dining room and through the kitchen. I suppose Eevee just likes being with people or other animals, never wanting to be completely alone. Like us all, however, she can be sluggish and can express the phrase "Leave me alone..." She'll go to her kennel in my room and lie down for hours sometimes. Perhaps she likes her "alone time" like humans do. Eevee can also be aggressive if you bother her too much or attempt to remove her from her chosen resting spot. She isn't known for biting, but she will strike if she feels threatened or has become angry. She can be crabby for no reason at all sometimes.

I remember one night that my mom was trying to help me fix a computer virus problem and my dogs, Eevee and her puppy Pixie, were under the computer desk. For some odd reason, the dogs were licking the desk. The sound of tongues lapping against wood became rather irritating in just a short amount of time. I was told by my mother to remove the dogs from my bedroom to end the noise.

I leaned down to view my dogs under the desk. Since I was going to merely pick them up and set them outside my room, I didn't consider all the possibilities of what could happen. I first reached for Pixie. My little puppy, naturally skiddish, tucked her tail underneath herself and shivered. I gently picked her up and cuddled for a moment, trying to calm her down. Soon enough, I carried her over to the door and set her outside my bedroom. When I let go of her, she wiggled happily and then scurried off to go play.

I then walked over to the desk, leaned down and got ready to pick up Eevee. I extended my arm and reached for her. When my hand wrapped around her blue-chain collar, Eevee snarled at me. Her snout wrinkled, upper lip lifting to expose her sharp teeth. Her dark brown eyes expressed anger as she growled viciously. I immediately pulled my hand away, frightened by the look she gave me.

Soon enough, Eevee ended her snarl and went back to licking the desk. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Still, I had to remove her from my bedroom so my mom could concentrate on the computer problem. I tried again. I reached out to Eevee and wrapped my hand around her collar again. She stopped licking the desk and turned to me with a somewhat agitated expression. I gently tugged on her collar, attempting to make her come to me. Rather quickly, her snarl returned as well as her angered growl. This time, however, Eevee whipped her head to the side and pierced her teeth into my thumb.

Thankfully, Eevee let go and I was able to jerk my away. I immediately covered my injured hand with the other, trying to soothe the throbbing pain I felt. My mom, having seen the entire incident, then scolded Eevee for biting me. She shouted, "Boogar, bad dog! Get in your kennel!", in a very harsh tone. Eevee, being my mother's dog primarily, obeyed instantly and raced out of the room.

I, on the other hand, uncovered my hand as I began to shed tears. I observed my bleeding thumb. Eevee had punctured my thumb on the edge of the cuticle, which explained why this hurt so badly. My mom then told me to go clean my wound and to bandage it so it would not get infected. I dried my tears, got up and then tended to my injury.

Still, Eevee is a very loving pet and enjoys being loved back. As I said, she's a like a human in some ways. Respect her and she will respect you. Despite even the worst of moments, I still love her dearly.

Overall, my dog is very special and no other dog is exactly like her. I have had other dogs in the past and many other animals as well, but Eevee is definitely my favorite pet. I love "Boogar" and no other pet can take her place.

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There. I'll take that with me. ^_^ There wasn't too many things I could do with it really in this form of writing, but I tried to add some things. Hopefully my classmates can tell me more tomorrow.

Thanks for your help, guys. I'll have more to do with this paper, I'm sure, so I know I can count on you. ^_^ THANKS! *hugs*

[Deleted]

Welcome to my acedemic world.

I'd say that essays are the most suckiest of homework ever! B( I TOTALLY feel your pain.


But you've really got this whole essay thing down better than I did, it seems. I noticed the "like a human" thing too; But other than that, it's so professional. I forgot that I was reading homework! A+++

Oh... I didn't know you had two dogs! (let alone one)

[Deleted]

i knew she ahd a dog i rmeber her telling me about it. i didn't know she had two till i read this. Looks pretty darn good no not pretty danr good it's awesome. if you don't get at least an a for tat they are evil. (well mroe eivl then they should be beign teachers)

[FlameMaster5]

WOW!
That means a lot coming from you, IllusioN. ^_^ Thank you! That certainly boosted my confidence. :]

Well, my teacher will taking a look at it Tuesday. SO...I gotta work on it some more since i'll be getting feedback from him! I'm kinda scared. No, he's not mean, I just REALLY want an A. I haven't had an actual teacher since 3rd grade...

So...
I'll be adding more details and more storylines since it's SUPPOSED to be more like a story. Like before, i'll put my additions in red - save you guys some time. ;]

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EEVEE

One of the most important things in my life is my Maltese, Eevee. We got Eevee when she was just a puppy. I was 11 years old at the time and I was going through a very harsh period in my life. I've been homeschooled for 6 years and have had no friends, so maybe you can understand now why my pet is such a joy. Eevee is important to me just because she's another living soul in the house when my parents are away. She helps keep me company.

Eevee is her given name and she received it shortly after she was brought home for the very first time. Back then, my family and I had moved in with my grandfather to take care of him because he was terribly sick. When we bought Eevee, it was after my grandfather had passed away and we still lived there in his old house. I remember my sister, Shelley, and I playing with her in our room the first night she got home. Both my sister and me were into creatures called Pokemon at the time and there was a critter called Eevee, one of our favorites. So, without actually telling our mom, we started calling her that. Thankfully my mom agreed since the name sounded pretty.

Eevee, as I explained, is her given name. Yet, we hardly use it. When she was a puppy, she used to bite ankles and heels. One day, Eevee bit my mom's ankles because she wanted to play. As we all know, puppy teeth are very sharp. My mom cried out, "Ow! Ow! Stop that, you little boogar!" It wasn't long before Eevee received the nickname "Boogar". Even now we still call her that. Plus, Eevee is still as frisky as she was when she was a puppy. There hasn't been much change!

Eevee is now 6 years old, weighs 9 lbs and is about a foot tall. As a Maltese, she is mainly white with light creme on her ears and back. She has long hair, not fur, and it's quite smooth. She also doesn't shed, unlike other breeds of dogs. Eevee has a pure black nose and occasionally has tear stains under her eyes. Her tail is curled with long hair on it like the rest of her body. Her paws and nails are not visible, so her feet only appear as white fuzz.

When bathed, the water will soak her hair and show you her true size and appearance. To be quite honest, Eevee appears as a drowned rat when bathed. Her dark brown eyes will be more visible then, showing you her fright. She absolutely hates being bathed and will do anything to avoid it. When Eevee sees a towel and shampoo bottles in your hands, she will run away and hide somewhere in the house. I have learned that I have to catch Eevee off guard when I want to bathe her. Otherwise, I have to cancel her grooming appointment.

After a bath, Eevee smells fresh and clean. Her hair is much like a human's, so it holds that fresh smell for quite some time. However, all hair loses its delightful aroma at some point, so she will eventually smell like a dog again. Thankfully she is an inside dog, so she doesn't need to be bathed often. Yet, she does need to be brushed and trimmed more often because her hair gets knots if neglected.

Eevee is pretty much a clean dog, so I have kissed her on the head several times. If you want to know what she tastes like, the answer is anything her hair has absorbed. Sometimes she will taste like fruit since we bathe her with shampoo and conditioner. Other times she will taste like grass from being outside. Eevee can even taste like natural body oils since her hair will absorb it.

For a little dog, she has a high-pitch bark. She will bark at anything that is unfamiliar to her, which makes her a brilliant watch dog. Also, when she is happiest, she will crow. This sound is composed of a growl and a howl together, which sounds rather funny. Eevee usually makes this sound when she is happy to see us or other company. Of course, that is out of excitement. There is a difference!

We moved from the previous old home of my grandfather into a brick house about three or four years ago now. My mom will work late sometimes and it'll just be me, my dad and the dogs. Though Eevee barks loudly, it's fun to mess with her a little bit. My dad, who seems to only have this affect on Eevee, will sometimes ask, "Boogar, where's mommy?", to make her start looking for my mom. Eevee actually understands this well and will head over to the front, glass door and stare out. Rather quickly, she'll realize my mom isn't coming and will begin to whine or bark loudly. Obviously the prank makes her upset.

Eevee has had three puppies during her lifetime, one male and two females. She had her puppies here in our house and my mom, sister and myself experienced this event. Her first born was the male puppy. Sadly, he never made it. That broke my heart, having experienced this. So, I decided to claim the next puppy if it survived the birth process. Her second born was my puppy, Pixie. Her last puppy belongs to my sister and she was named Dottie due to a large creme spot on her back. Eevee was an excellent parent and remained with her young at all times.

Since I was still homeschooled when Eevee became a mother, I was there to watch over her and the puppies. I remember a classic moment of her motherhood that will stay with me until the end. I walked into my mom's bedroom, the warmest room in our house, to visit Eevee and her puppies. Eevee hadn't been outside for a bathroom break in quite some time for that day, so I was concerned. I took her out of the kennel and lead her out into our backyard for a break. After we came back inside, the puppies were whimpering for their mother. Instantly, Eevee raced back into my mom's bedroom to her pups. I could only smile proudly as I walked back in the room to see her snuggling up against her young. That I will never forget.

Now that her puppies are old enough to depend on humans alone, Eevee now has Pixie as a playmate. Shelley moved out of our household when got married, so her puppy Dottie went with her. Eevee can be a little rough when she plays with Pixie, but it's all in fun. Still, Eevee will sometimes lick Pixie's tear-stained face, which truly shows you that she still takes care of her pup even now.

Eevee's personality is various. To be honest, she is like a human in some ways. Eevee has her good days and bad days. Usually she is affectionate, calm and very playful. She likes to snuggle up on the living room couch with me or my mom. Also, she loves to play rough and chase poor Pixie around the living room, dining room and through the kitchen. I suppose Eevee just likes being with people or other animals, never wanting to be completely alone. Like us all, however, she can be sluggish and can express the phrase "Leave me alone..." She'll go to her kennel in my room and lie down for hours sometimes. Perhaps she likes her "alone time" like humans do. Eevee can also be aggressive if you bother her too much or attempt to remove her from her chosen resting spot. She isn't known for biting, but she will strike if she feels threatened or has become angry. She can be crabby for no reason at all sometimes.

I remember one night that my mom was trying to help me fix a computer virus problem and my dogs, Eevee and her puppy Pixie, were under the computer desk. For some odd reason, the dogs were licking the desk. The sound of tongues lapping against wood became rather irritating in just a short amount of time. I was told by my mother to remove the dogs from my bedroom to end the noise.

I leaned down to view my dogs under the desk. Since I was going to merely pick them up and set them outside my room, I didn't consider all the possibilities of what could happen. I first reached for Pixie. My little puppy, naturally skiddish, tucked her tail underneath herself and shivered. I gently picked her up and cuddled for a moment, trying to calm her down. Soon enough, I carried her over to the door and set her outside my bedroom. When I let go of her, she wiggled happily and then scurried off to go play.

I then walked over to the desk, leaned down and got ready to pick up Eevee. I extended my arm and reached for her. When my hand wrapped around her blue-chain collar, Eevee snarled at me. Her snout wrinkled, upper lip lifting to expose her sharp teeth. Her dark brown eyes expressed anger as she growled viciously. I immediately pulled my hand away, frightened by the look she gave me.

Soon enough, Eevee ended her snarl and went back to licking the desk. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Still, I had to remove her from my bedroom so my mom could concentrate on the computer problem. I tried again. I reached out to Eevee and wrapped my hand around her collar again. She stopped licking the desk and turned to me with a somewhat agitated expression. I gently tugged on her collar, attempting to make her come to me. Rather quickly, her snarl returned as well as her angered growl. This time, however, Eevee whipped her head to the side and pierced her teeth into my thumb.

Thankfully, Eevee let go and I was able to jerk my away. I immediately covered my injured hand with the other, trying to soothe the throbbing pain I felt. My mom, having seen the entire incident, then scolded Eevee for biting me. She shouted, "Boogar, bad dog! Get in your kennel!", in a very harsh tone. Eevee, being my mother's dog primarily, obeyed instantly and raced out of the room to get in the kennel that was just inside the kitchen.

I, on the other hand, uncovered my hand as I began to shed tears. I observed my bleeding thumb. Eevee had punctured my thumb on the edge of the cuticle, which explained why this hurt so badly. My mom then told me to go clean my wound and to bandage it so it would not get infected. I dried my tears, got up and then tended to my injury.

Still, Eevee is a very loving pet and enjoys being loved back. As I said, she's like a human in some ways. Respect her and she will respect you. Despite even the worst of moments, I still love her dearly.

Overall, my dog is very special and no other dog is exactly like her. I have had other dogs in the past and many other animals as well, but Eevee is definitely my favorite pet. I love "Boogar" and no other pet can take her place.

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I think that has turned out even better. ^_^ YAY!